Comic 1 The two lead characters laying in bed... Type written in blocks, over the scene: This is a comic about impowerment. This is a comic about women, their rights, and their struggle for integrety. Then, we remembered this was going out over the internet... *someone shouts "ZERG RUSH!" off screen* You get what you pay for. *group of Asians running in, shouting "KEKEKEKE!"* Comic 2 Tristain, alone, in a room tinkering with some random parts. Alarm goes off. Oh great, another bounty...how do I turn this alarm off again? Tristain tries checking the alarm, can't find a lever Tries bashing it with a hammer, hammer flies off Tries using a chainsaw, chainsaw breaks Tries shooting it, the shot bounces off, hits the wall, and causes an explosion, making a hole in the side of the ship Everything is sucked out of the room Dragging himself on the ground, he makes his way out. Now, see, THAT'S why I' was hired for this whole Technical Engineer job! Piece of cake! Comic 3 Tristain and Sami go walking into the cabin. Alright Sami, the signal came from sector Alpha 7, set a course. Right! I'll just activate the hyperspace drive, we'll be there in no time! No, wait, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Why not? *explosion* *couple panels of silence as they look at each other, a little dirt on their face.* Yeah...that would be why. Comic 4 Great...well, go and fix it. Oh, yes, sure, I'll go fix the intricately complex workings of an intergalactic hyperspace drive. Sure thing, I'll be on it in a jiffy. Oh, but I have to fix that hole in the side of the ship before it'd even work anyway! There's a hole in the side of the ship? Look, woman. If you don't keep up on current events we're not going to get anywhere. You made a hole in the side of the ship?! Oh calm down. It's nothing a hammer and a little metal can't fix. *a little while later.* Tristain and goth girl are standing outside the door. Ok, on the counter of three Ciere, I'm going to open the door, and we'll throw these bits of metal in, and stop up the hole, alright? Thank you for reminding me why I hate humanity. Let's get this sham over with so I can go back to habits that actually get me somewhere, like cutting my arm and writing bad poetry... Comic 5 Back in the cabin, with Sami and Tristain So, you fixed it? Let's just say that I did. So you didn't. It's currently in a state of fixing, if I were to do something now it'd disrupt the whole flow of things. So, what are we going to do about the hyperspace drive? Well, if we temporarily disengage the magnetic containment manifold, we could reroute tertiary power through the redundant SZG system to the tachyonic core... *blank look* Would that fix it? No, but it DOES sound like a cool idea. Or we could push it. Yes, Sami. Pushing a space ship 3 million light years is a BRILLIANT idea, yes, let me get right on that. Comic 5-B *Tristain goes to the engine room, stares at engine, taps feet. Takes out his wrench, goes up to the core. puts wrench up to a bolt, starts to turn. Stops. Stares. Throws wrench over shoulder. Walks out.* *Picture of Tristain outside of ship, pushing VERY hard against the ship and grunting* Comic 6 Tristain still pushing against the side of the ship. Ok, only 2.9 light years to go...I can make it... Inside, in the engine room. I don't know what's wrong with the engine...it just won't go. Even the auxilery thrusters are broken. You know Kirin, back home we have a saying, "machines only need two things. duct tape and a swift kick." Option one is out, so let's go for two! *Sami delivers a severe kick to the engine* Outside *Tristain still pushing, grunting* *small whiirr noise is heard, Tristain looks around confusedly* *engines roar back to life* YES! THEY'RE FIXED! I knew if I just got the ship moving it'd jumpstart it back to life, now to...wait... *ship flies away from him* HEY WAIT! COME BACK! I SAVED YOUR LIVES DAMNIT, AND IF YOU DON'T COME BACK I SWEAR I'LL TAKE THEM AWAY! Comc 6-B Come on, do you really have to find him? I have a perfectly good cake here. He'd do the same for yo...well uh, that space suit costs a lot of money. But it's still warm. Well m...hold on, I thin I found him! Really? Magnify image, Kirin. Magnifying...it's a body alright... He's waving! It's not him. ... ... Who the fuck is it? *in space* I miss Wilson *meanwhile with Tristain* *thunk as something hits Tristain's head, actually a volleyball with a handprint on it.* Comic 7 Tristain floats around for a couple panels, sees something far away. A ship approaches, and he thinks he's saved, then he sees the name of the enemy ship written on it. Damnit...of all the people I can be saved by, it has to be those asshats...oh well, saved is saved. The ship pulls up, and a door opens before Tristain. Cail is standing there in full robot suit and a glass dome over his head, arm stretched out. Come on, take my hand. I'll pull you in. A few panels are spent as Tristain gets himself towards Cail, their arms nearly reach each other, then Cail draws back. Hah! You dumb bastard. That's for Alpha C-9! Door slams shut, Tristain bounces off door, ship blasts off. Tristain kicks and swings at the air. Damnit! Why didn't I throw in a plasma grenade while the door was open?! Dumb dumb dumb stupid stupid stupid! Comic 8 A box in the corner of the frame notes that it's an hour later. The hero's ship comes floating back into view, the door opens, and someone drags Tristain back in. Medical office, Meria is looking over him. Oh, you're awake. Yourr life support was failing. I was able to raise your body temperature. It's a good thing your oxygen tank didn't let out, or I'd be doing an autopsy rather than talking to you right now. Ah, well that's good to hear. I programmed the suit to maintain only those key functions needed to sustain life under emergencies. Alright, lean back and relax, I have one last test to perform Meria begins to undo his pants. Whoa, wait. Now look here, I check that this morning, and it was working just fine. But we don't know what the cold space did to it! We must check it. Alright, just make it quick. No problem, just let me prepare my tools, and I'll get this underway. A few panels go by with Tristain laying there with his eyes closed, we only see him from the chest up. Then, his eyes pop open. Hey stop right there! I know exactly where that mouth of yours has been, and I don't appreciate that! Comic 9 Set in the bridge. Tristain walks in. Alright, so since I've been blacked out and nearly raped by Hello Whorey back there, how far have we gotten? It's been smooth sailing so far, just another few minutes and we should be- *alarms go off* FUCK! Status report! The hyperdrive's gone out. I'm diverting all power to the main drive, hold on. *several panels of the ship swirving around violently.* It's no good! There's something dragging on the right side of the ship! *panel with the ship, hole fully expose again. Comes back, everyone's looking at Tristain* Hey, anybody could have blown a hole in the ship that could potentially cause us all to die a horrible death in deap space. I'm sure we've all done it once or twice. Nobody's perfect. Comic 10 Deap jungle setting. A couple small fuzzy animals look up at the sky. The ship comes hurtling down at the planet. The ship crash lands on top of one of the small furries nose first. The animals look on in wonder. The door opens with Meria standing behind it. The animals all instantly go into shock and run off. Gee, I wonder what was up with that. . . . That [animal] was enjoying it as much as I was, I swear to God. ...That... Thank you for that, I'm... Yeah, I'm going over here now. Comic 11 all electricity is currently out. It'll take me at least three weeks to fix all the circuits. Alright, the rest of us will go scavage the land for any sign of humanity. Hold it right there. I have a hyperdrive to fix, a hole the size of Meria's vagina to fix, and I have to bring back electricity to the main core. I can't do this alone, I'll need a helper. Oh alright fine. I'll leave you one helper, which will leave three of us to check on the alien planet. I can't help but think this feels a little forced though. Whatever. Just hurry up and choose your travel party. *RPG select-a-character menu* Comic 12 Alright. Me, Kirin, and Meria are off. No way. What's the big deal? You mean, I have to stay here and work with Tristain for an indefinite ammount of time until you return? That's about it. There will be a lot of angry poetry on your door when you return. Fine by me. Alright guys, let's get going. You're risking certain angsty passive agression! That's a risk I'll just have to take. *shot of the other three walking off* *in the background* PASSIVE AGGRESSION I SAY Comic 13 We've been walking all day...I can't take anymore. Nightfall's coming, and we haven't even found a single sign of life...I guess right here's as good a place as any to spend the night. Thank God. My feet are killing me. *cast takes a seat, in sort of a triangle formation* So...what do we do now? Well...we are in the middle of nowhere...no one to see us... And? *Meria cat-like slinks over towards Sami* Well, I was just thinking we could.... *Meria pounces on Sami, and kisses her.* *Sami eventually looks up, pulls back* Jesus christ, what is that?! It's just a banana in my pocket, I swear! Nono, that! *over in the bushes, a skeleton is sitting there, looking about as lustful as a skeleton can look* Booooooooobs! Comic 14 God damned timing, all day long no undead, no giant monsters, no evil warlocks trying to take over the world, and the MOMENT I try to get my groove on, BAMMO! He's coming, hold on I'll take care of this one. *Kirin clasps her hands. Do it however you want, pull off some sort of fire attack, and the zombie falls over. More zombies come out from the bushes behind it. There's no way we can take all of these! *By subtle use of deux ex machina, a zombie is cleft in twain. A dashing man with a sword slightly larger than Kirin's appears* Quick, follow me! *Running, followed by zombies. As they run, he trips a stone, which opens a door in the side of a mountain that was previously unseen. They all run in, and the door closes behind them. Toss in the "concealed road" sign somewhere, and the "all deliveries in the back" sign at will.* Comic 15 Just what the hell is going on? *use severral visuals to supplement his story, if you want...* Not very long ago, a man named Xeranthis came to this once quaint little planet. At first he was a blessing. He made our crops grow. He made it rain when we wanted. But we ran out of money to pay for his services. We gathered a great debt under his name. When we didn't pay it, he swept through and killed off all who stood in his way with his unholy magic. The land was so befowled by his magic that those who died fed on the energy and regained conciousness as his slave. Now, we must fight our own brothers off just to live. No one has come to save us, they must think us all lost. Well consider yourselves saved! Tristain and Caile are back on our ship right now doing repair work! In less than three weeks we should all be saved! By the gods! This is good luck indeed! We merely have to wait here and be saved from this wretched planet. I hate to burst your bubble, but how do we know he's going to be able to fix it? Hell, how do we even know the zombies haven't gotten to him yet? We only have hope...*with a sigh* I wonder if they're allright... *meanwhile on the ship* Either... Three Jacks. J'ACCUSE! Or... You sank my battleship! If I can't kill you outright, I can at least kill your spirit by beating you in your precious games... Comic 16 Alright, fine, you win. I bow down to you and your mighty ship sinking abilities. Yeah...uh...hey, Tristain? Yeah? I was just uh...kind of thinking, I don't think you've ever seen my room, you know. How would you like to stop by? I'll show you some art...it'll be fun. I uh...that is...right there's not enough ellipses for this conversation. Maybe tomorrow, alright? Yeah...ok. *Tristain walks away* *sigh* I tried... Comic 17 *Ciere, in her room* Ok, fine, I tried my best, right? I should just give up, Tristain is just a fucking prick... *picks up a picture of Tristain amongst pictures of the rest of the cast ...a cute...fucking...prick...hrmn. *Ciere reaches below the picture into her nightstand, where it's obvious she's reaching for some long thin thing* Comic 18 *Tristain walking back to his room* She just wanted to talk...why did I walk away? It's not like she's going to randomly pounce me and ravage me...unless she's been talking to Meria again... *devil pops up on one shoulder* What are you doing here? I'm here to tell you that you should go back to her room, you dumb shit. She's a girl, you're a guy, it happens! *Tristain looks at his other shoulder* Where's the other guy? He said you're a fucking pussy and went back to watching the game. This...really explains so much about me. Comic 19 Fine, here goes nothing *panel of Tristain putting his hand on the door* *about 60% of the comic should be this last panel. I'm thinking all we see are Ciere's legs up in the air, and Tristain standing in the doorway with his jaw dropped to the floor.* Oh...dear sweet Jesus...... *bold, dripping* OH GOD! *panel of Tristain on the other side of the door, face in some sort of exaggeration of shock/disbelief/etc* *Tristain's angel/devil conscience somewhere in front of the TV* I told you. Comic 20 Two weeks later... and then it turns out she had a penis. Oooooh. *random person breaks in the room.* Sir, I'm afraid the zombies have infiltrated the perimeter, what shall we do? Stand fast! We must hold back against The Zombie Menace! Uh... What? Well...it's the name sir. I mean, I think zombies about to burst down your door is more than a menace, don't you think? It's a FUCKING NAME. Are you going to tell me you're so picky you will actually belittle things based on name alone? Well...yeah, it fucking sucks. I have a wonderful idea. *next panel has a picture of Random being tossed out the door infront of a bunch of zombies who have big !s over their heads* Comic 21 *Zombies come in in Thriller getup* ...if you were trying to get in my pants earlier by spiking the punch, Lain, you could have just asked... Fools, are you that blind! They're using coreography now, they will surely take us all! Right, take us all out to a nice Thai joint and ask us about where we got our shoes. No! Don't you understand! Truly, this is a formation that is inpregnable. Their tight formation leads to a wall of enemies. Their movements are perfectly timed in synch to each other so no motion is wasted, and no conflicting attack occurs. It is indeed quite similar to a doughnut. When you eat a doughnut, it crumbles around the edges of the bite. Their will is to take a bite out of us, and therefor a splinter to the group. Truly, if we are assaulted as such, our defenses will fall by an exponential rate, leaving us quite vulnerable to the coup de grace if you will. It surely is inevitable. *aside* Zombies eat brains...don't they? Hrrmn... Comic 22 What we need is a plan. Wait...before, the zombies would not attack you when the two of you were making out, right? That's...ah... That's it! Something about lesbianism must hold them at bay! Isn't there... For the sake of all of our lives, the two of you must make out as vigerously as possible. Hey uh I don't know if I... *Lain shaking Sami* VIGEROUS LESBIAN MAKE-OUT SESSION! I'm guessing you haven't been Lain in a while, huh? Gee, that joke didn't get funny in middle school at all, hurry up with the fondling we ain't got all day. Comic 23 What's with you guys? You were making out like high schoolers behind the strairway the other day. First off, the mood's kind of broken and uh...you saw us making out? No time to explain! Come on! Something feels wrong about this...do you have any candles, maybe? Potpurri? Drastic times call for drastic measures, you'll have to excuse me but... *Lain pushes Meria into the midst of Zombies. Zombies do the ! thing. Think of what happens to Link when he comes across zombies here... Sami/Kirin/Lain have various odd facial expressions. Meria comes back, looking...worn.* I usually at least get candies and flowers first. Zombies are really inconsiderate. *Zombies sitting around, half sitting around smoking a cigerette, half fast asleep with a large grin...if you can get a zombie to grin.* Comic 24 Holy crap. You subdued all of them. Impressive work, Meria. How'd you do it? Well, though I'm a trained medical surgeon, I also studied the ancient arts of sexual healing in T'thmarie. Basically, my love is so incredibly strong that anyone in the presence of it is slowly healed. Of course, zombies being undead react badly to healing arts, so they're crippled. Wow...holy enchanted vagina... You have the best vagina ever, Meria! I never get tired of hearing that. Comic 25 You three hold off the zombies, I have a plan. Oh sure, the three of us will hold off an entire hoarde of zombies, sure thing boss. glad I could count on you! *flee!* *Old man, surrounded by three zombies, infront of a door leading to command post* Bring it on, you freaks! *Lain charges in, taking out the zombies* Hey, I could have taken them! Why in my day, I took on a dozen of em, single handed! We uh...never had zombies before. Oh...oh, yes, well. Those were some nasty rats we used to have, let me tell you. Comic 26 Where are the guards, old man? I come to the command post and all I see is an old man surrounded by zombies! Oh, them, they're over there. *just a couple rocks, nothing special* There's...nobody there... Come on out, whippersnappers, Lain's here! *back to picture of rocks, couple armed guards come out from cover* You were HIDING! ...yeah... And you let an OLD MAN handle them BY HIMSELF? Well, you know, we had the drop on the zombies. Yes, I can see how cowering in fear is giving you the high ground. We were giving them a false sense of security. If you hand't come, we would have dropped on them like vultures! Oh yes, and speaking of dropping, I'm afraid you may need a new pair of pants. Comic 27 This is a disaster! Half of the people we had left died today! I demand to speak with whoever as in charge! Uh...that was me sir... What in God's name happened here today? You have one minute to explain! Well, uh, you see...I was guarding the back entrance, and uh... *Guard standing by the entrance, zombie in UPS uniform. Behind the zombie is a large wooden rabbit, with several bones sticking out* SIGN! Comic 28 Not to worry, I have it all in hand. ...sir? Unleash...plan z. You're really going to use that? Don't you think it's a little... People with shit in their pants should not decree what is or is not foolish. You have a point, sir. Excuse me...plan z? It's a perfect plan, my own design. You know how zombies react to shoes being thrown at them right? Uh...moment of hesitation? Yes! Most people know that shoes are the greatest weapons against zombies. Shoes cause zombies horrible anguish. But do you know what most people's problem is? Attacking with shoes in the first place? Most people only throw ONE SHOE while running from the zombie. ONE! Their scope isn't large enough! I'm not sure I'm following you. On top of this mountain is the greatest collection of shoes in existance! We have our great weapon against zombies! *Lain smiles to himself, guards just look dumbstruck* Comic 29 *Exterior. Zombies swarming hill. Rumbling heard. Shoes come rolling down hill. Last panel nothing but a pile of shoes with errant trees sticking out of it.* Comic 30 *Scene from behind window. We see Sami staring out window. Zombie shambles up behind her, makes to leap. Sami steps aside, zombie slams into window, goes out of sight. Sami fires off a round to somewhere we can't see* Comic 31 ...it worked. Course it did. I'm a military genius. But there's more left! What do we do now? I...do not know. We are out of shoes. ...Can't we just go and pick up some-- We've gone too far, we can't go back now. The shoes are twenty feet away. *camera pans out, showing shoes just out of where the camera was before* Valiant sacrifices that will be recorded in song for future generations. Comic 32 Hold on, I'll try and make a summon pact, just don't let them anywhere near me, the pact is sacred and any disruptions will be the end of us all. Oh sure. You just stand there and do nothing, we'll risk our lives. Glad you understand, get to work. *Meria and Sami run to battle. Feel free to do the summoning spell however you like, I'm thinking hands clasped and glowing. A blur of red flashes through as Kirin looks doubtful. Zombies burst into flame, fall apart, etc. Flash goes away, and the words Viewtiful float over her head. Meria and Sami look questioningly* ...what are you looking at? I was trying to summon a fire demon, I swear. Comic 33 Ok, one more try, alright? Can't your spells be a little more precise? I am so sorry, not all of us have magical vaginas that they have full control of. Sounds like a personal problem. *Kirin resumes summoning. Again, summon however you like. Reid is summoned. Commence Burn Things Until They Die.* ...I'll trade you the vagina. Afraid I already have one. Thanks for the offer though. Comic 34 Did you see that sir?! Yes, all went according to plan. Sir, I think the little girl did it, actually. And therein lies the genius. So this is how you get up the ranks, someone saves everyone else's ass, pretend it was part of the plan all along? You'll make a good Sergeant some day, son. Comic 35 wow...I think that was all of them. Is anything left? *scan horizon* Wait, I see a puppy, it looks injured! ...no humans? Nothing? Puppies are BETTER than humans! *Meria goes to the dog. Reaches down to pick up the dog, dogs eyes glow red, and the dog latches on to Meria's hand. Meria comes back.* ...I have a zombie puppy latched to my hand. It suits you. Comic 36 Seriously, how do I get it off? Oh, sorry, I left my bat zombie repellant in my other pants. Didn't forget the sarcasm though. I like to stay prepared. *Zombie with no arms shambles up* Fuck, zombie! Kill it! It has no arms, what can it do? *zombie shambles up, bites the puppt in half, dog falls off* ...can I keep him? I'll call him Brian. ...well... Comic 37 Alright, gentlemen, we've had a victory here, but we have not won the war! Why don't we just keep lobbing shoes at them, sir? No...no that's exactly what they'd expect us to do... Sir, I don't know about the rest of the men, but I think dumping a mountain of shoes on them was the last thing I expected. You don't think like the enemy! Zombies don't think like us, you see. They're smart...like misquitos. ...misquitos aren't smart sir. Exactly! Assemble the troops! You mean the people who were unlucky and didn't die in battle and must live the rest of their lives scarred and in pain? Yes...my shining army. Comic 38 *Lain is dressed in some sort of braveheart style facepaint, walking infront of a bunch of people that look like they might be better off dead, as well as the heros, and a zombie on a leash being held by Meria.* Today begins a great day for us! Today is the day we fight back against our zombie overlords! For too long, we have been in caves, fearing their might! With nothing but our hopes, and our... *Close-up of Sami. Camera seems to swirl slightly. Lain takes off his head and starts reading from Macbeth for no appearent reason.* ...I know this isn't happening but...it's actually more interesting than his actual speech. Comic 39 I understand many of you may be scared. I will not force you to come with me. Who amongst you is brave enough to aid in the freedom of your own lives? *People look amongst each other. Meria nudges Brian forward.* Brains? I can see from here, he is the only one amongst us with a spine. Comic 40 ...Sami, can you walk with me, for a minute? Uh, I don't see why not. The rest of you, stay in line. Lines are notoriously anti-zombie shapes. Come, Sami. So uh...where are we going? There is something I must show you. *atop the hill* I know, since you landed here, you have seen nothing but forest and hill, but once upon a time, before the zombies came, we had a great, thriving civilization. I wanted you to understand this. Please, look through these binoculars. *Sami takes binoculars, looks at city in ruin* My god...the zombies did that? Well, no, one of my campfires did...but we blame the zombies! Comic 41 *Sami and Lain come back to the group. Group scrambles to get back in line. Brian sits there and stares at people. Meria drags Brian back in line.* *sigh*...He's right, you know. If you don't come with us, we'll die either way. But if we die here, at least we die in comfort! Uh...if you come with us...the zombies might just rip my clothing off in a dramatic braul to the death... *People mutter amongst each other in a circle* We'll come, but there must be full nudity, no partial nudity. Also, you must at some point get soaked by water. These are our demands. ...what the hell is wrong with you people? The last good pair of knockers died 3 weeks ago, you're our last hope. Comic 42 Alright gentlemen, TO BATTLE! *audience cheers, pumps hand in air* Uh...where are we going? We are going to... *sudden loss of triumphant stature* I don't know. *Brian bends over. Sniffs at ground. Assumes bloodhound pointer position.* Is he telling us where to go because he wants rid of the zombies too, or does he just think he could join the zombies in eating our flesh? Who cares? Chaaarge! Comic 43 *Back on the ship, Tristain and Ciere are working on the engine* And...there! Repairs are done to the core! So, we can go get Sami and the others? Ah...no. The stabalizers aren't in place yet. One small nudge and this whole thing could go, and we'd be entirely back to square one. We can't risk starting anything up until then, othewise we might just be stuck here forever. I see, but aren't you...worried about the others? It's been two weeks. Who knows what might happen? They'll be fine. We've been with them before, they've gone through worse. Maybe, but they don't always come back just honky dory, remember that one time with the 20 foot tentacle monster? Ah yes...watching them trying to walk back marks up there amongst my happier memories. Comic 44 *Tristain walking through a coridor* *Tristain notices a zombie in one corner, who hasn't noticed him. Angel and devil pop up* You have to save Ciere! Fight the zombie, and then everyone can get back home! Fuck the bitch. You've got to save yourself, buddy! You know the core can handle a flight to the next planet, no problem! What are you waiting for? I have a better idea. *Tristain takes the angel and devil in both hands, lobs them at the zombie, and goes running.* Comic 45 Ciere! Ciere! What is it, Tristain? Ciere, we're in SERIOUS danger! Shit, what is it Tristain?! There is a ZOMBIE on the ship! ...oh...k...so what are we going to do about the zombie? Don't worry, the demon and the devil have taken care of it for now, but we MUST get this ship off the ground! I'm going to go activate the core, you HAVE to fly the vessel! It's our only hope! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FLY! You're a damsel in distress in a dier situation. If anime has proven anything to me, it's that you're the ONLY one who can do it! I have faith in you! *Tristain runs away* ...god damnit. Comic 46 *Lain looks over city* Finally, we've found them. So, what's the plan? The plan is foolishly clever! We come in from the south, a very anti-zombie direction I know I have told you this before, and surprise them. Over there, there is a pasture once used for storing of sheep and various before-zombie animals. We shall heard them in there, and once they are in jump the fence, assuring our freedom. Zombies, you know, cannot jump. I believe the order of not being able to jump goes white men, zombies, and RPG characters. Of course, it has been a long time since I took jumping 101, so I might be a little off with my statistics. Once they are fully enclosed we can surely claim victory easily. ...one problem with that. What's that? They're to the south of us. *Lain falls to his knees* Dear God...what have I done? Arc 2 Comic 1 *Xeranthis stands infront of a throne. Xeranthis, of course, is entirely in shadows. The throne is either made of actual humans, statues to make it look like humans are holding him up, or something similar. The man in the throne is in a position like Weekend at Bernie's meets Stephen Hawkins. The man never speaks. A few of the people on the planet survived. A little glitch in our plans, a group of bounty hunters crash landed and assisted the residents, their power is quite --- no my lord, I did not fail you. If I did not think this was a wise decision I would have stepped in myself and --- see, that's the beauty of it. No one can trace me to you. BUT, those who lived can now know to fear what I ha --- I do not see why any would think to worship me, I have prov -- yes, I understand that power attracts and I --- *clenches his throat* YES, YES I AM SORRY, BUT WHAT IS DONE IS DONE NOW, I PROMISE TO BRING ALL MY PLANS BEFORE YOU --- *with slightly more comfort* I'm glad we understand each other now. Comic 2 *Two random crew members are cleaning some random knicknacks about the place, quite obviously some sort of very very low level scolding for some transgression* So...you hear Xeranthis is giving his report now? Better him than us. Man, I hear that. There's something creepy about that fucker in charge. The way he just SITS THERE. I swear, it's like one of those fucking paintings where the painting doesn't move but the eyes follow you. Don't forget that weird psychotic psychic shit. Fuck dude don't even get me started. I hear he's not even killing crew members just for insubordination anymore. Harry down in mechanics says he's been keeping a chart of people who walked in who did not walk out. Says according to his chart, people who wear red in Tuesday die every time. No shit? I heard it was BLUE and on FRIDAY. Maybe I'll just avoid both colors and days entirely. Man, I don't know...you ever question working under a crazy fuckstart like that? They don't tell you about this shit when you join up, but then you make it up the ranks and find out EVERYONE is fuckin crazy. They'd say we were being insubordinate. Insubordination is treason, and treason is punishable by - *loudsystem blares JIMMY FORD, PLEASE COME TO THE MAIN HALL IMMEDIATELY.* Can I have your XBox? Fuck you, I swear to God you take that shit I'm haunting your ass. Comic 3 Did you hear about Jimmy? Oh yeah, dude. The big boss spared him man. Seriously? Yeah, no shit. Jimmy's in medical right now. Boss didn't even pull a Nathen on him or anything. I'm sure his wife will be glad to hear that. Heh, yeah, you know the old lady is only so willing to understand "job related hazard" until her husband comes home half the man he once was. Shit...I hear that. *Jimmy walks in, something obviously wrong with his eyes* Hey guys Jimmy! You made it! How you feelin, buddy? You know, not too bad. My head hurts a little, and the details of what happened are a little fuzzy...but I think I'm ready to get back to work. You know, do it for the team. ...looking forward to working, huh? Yeah, I guess so. Guess being put out of comission for a little while made me realize just how much this job really means, it's like a second home after all these years -- well you guys take care, I got some rotors to rotate. Hey, you too man. *Jimmy leaves* Did you see that? Man, I saw nothing...just let shit like this be. Comic 4 Wow, I can't be- Shut up! What? I was just going to sa- I know what you were going to say. I know what you want to say! Remember, fate favours IRONY. The moment you say it, we all go spiraling out of control onto some crazy planet with inhabitants that want nothing more than to eat us! You're overreacting. Nothing's going to go wr- *Tristain shoots Sami, who falls over. Kirin looks at Tristain suspiciously* I had to shut her up! We could have been killed. Don't worry, I only knocked her unconcious. *Tristain kicks at Sami's body* I think she's just out anyway. I never really did label the settings on this blaster. Comic 5 *Sami staggers to her feet* Did you really have to do that? No...but it was fun. And, thanks entirely to me, we've made it to the nearest planet, where we can make final repairs to the ship. Great! Let's go! I can't wait to get some real foo- Hold it. Look, fair warning. The inhabitants of this planet are EXTREMELY xenophobic. I think we need some sort of plan here. Oh come on, at the base of it we're all sentient life forms capable of reasoning. Surely their people will understand our plight and welcome us to their planet. *Sami steps off the ship. The moment her foot touches the soil, a dozen armed guards appear out of nowhere. Tristain yells at her from the ship.* I TOLD YOU, FATE FAVORS IRONY, BUT OH NO DON'T LISTEN TO ME! Comic 6 *ahem* My name is Tristain Marxelle von Ashfeld IV, of the Ashfeld ancestry. We demand diplomatic immunity on your planet, and escort to your king. Wait...you're an Ashfeld? You dare question my royal leniage? Oh, no sir. I just haven't been able to shoot anything in some time. I was starting to get a little hopeful. If it makes you feel any better, the rest of the people on the ship are nothing but vagrant scum. I doubt there will be too much of a rucus if you shoot one of them. You are gracious, sir. Comic 7 Tristain, welcome. I have not seen you since you were but a little one. Ah, but those rags do not fit a prince. The life of a noble is not for me. It is honorable, but I seek to make my own life. These rags are what I may afford. I fear, financially, I have been cut off from the family, unless I swear off my current lifestyle. Ah. Do not worry, and Ashfeld is always welcome here. What brings you to our humble planet? I have been assisting this group of bounty hunters. I fear our ship has come under trouble. We request docking until our ship can be fixed. Bounty hunters, eh? I may be able to help you out on your quest, actually. These is a race of dreadful creatures, the mud people, who dwell on our planet. I would be appreciative if your group could see them off. They have caused nothing but problems for us. I am humbled that you would make such an offer, and I am grateful for it. If we may take our leave now, we have much work to do. Fare well, Tristain, may Jeff guide you! ...what the hell was that? I believe that was me saving our asses, again. Oh, and you owe me a steak now. T-Bone. Ever thoughtless of yourself, eh Tristain? ...and a baked potato. With a slice of cake for desert. Comic 8 Alright, so what do you want to do first? I don't know...I hate big cities. All these people make me feel claustrophobic. We could duck in somewhere for a while. Honestly these people are looking at me like I killed their first born, so I wouldn't mind getting off the street anyway. Sure, let's do that. Alright, your choice, where should we go? *Ciere looks up at a giant roman style church with large stain glass windows, the largest of which depicts a man being drawn and quartered.* How about this place? I think it's calling to me. Comic 9 *Meria and Ciere enter the church, a man in holy robes approaches them.* What may I do for you ladies this evening? ...what is this place? Oh my dear lady, have you not heard of the devine teaches of Jeff? Ooooh, you're one of THOSE guys...I'm not a big fan of the church. I don't think I've heard much, can you tell me more? Certainly. Once, Jeff walked amongst us poor mortals. He did suffer our mortal slings and arrows. Yet, he did rise above us. It is said in his day none may stand before him. He did pwn the newbs and frag the haxx0rs. He was fair and just in his ways, and he did save many from the slings of the PK. He began teaching that true strength came from the heart, and that the path many chose to power was flush with the trappings of hacking and cheap tricks. Through Jeff lies true power, salvation, and a place in the world. Wow... Come in Ciere let's go, these people are all full of shit. *Meria tries to drag Ciere, she won't go.* What's wrong now? ...may I join you? Comic 10 Look, Ciere, I know this is a real fancy goth cathedral and that sort of shit gets you off bu- It's not that. You wouldn't understand. Of course not. You're goth, meaning you have an ENTIRE set of emotions that is completely unknown to the rest of the entire known universe. Woe is you! No, really! I feel something. Yeah, I was going to mention that thing sticking on your back but I figured hey, for once she's wearing color. No, like...I've always wondered, I wasn't sure I even had a soul, but when I walked in...I seriously felt something. Something moved in me. I thought I heard something and it was gone. I must be sure. Hrmn. Only things I've ever had move in...no, that's too easy. Tell you what, you play make believe with robes boy and I'll smile and nod as you get braindwashed by the freaky Jeffist cult, ok? *Ciere walks away* Comic 11 I'd like to join your order. Understand my child, the path to salvation is a difficult one, before you can join you must be tested. What sort of test are we talking about? I really don't know anything about your faith yet beyond the basics... Oh, it is a different sort of test. A trial of faith. Only one who has been through the chamber can understand the true meaning of Jeffism. I get it. So I'm Indiana Jones, you're the crazy nazi guy, and my faith is the holy grail! I uh...yes, something like that. Alright, let's go. *Ciere enters a room, the lights are entirely out* "Hey uh...what's going on?" *Lights flash on, words appear, "Collect 30 coins in under a minute!" What the--aah crap I've already lost five seconds! *Ciere runs off. Next panel shows Bishop watching Ciere over a monitor.* She thinks she's got it hard now, wait until she gets to the higher levels with the missiles. I'm not sure which is better, brainwashed or exploded - I'll take my chances. Comic 12 So, unclean one...I hear word you fought against the unholy flood on our neighboring planet. Whoa, where did you hear about that? Word travels fast here. Also, the local news ended just before you got in. I see. Yeah, I fought the zombies. Though most of my combat was rather forced. That idiot Lain kind of threw me in the path of the zombies. Oh dear. What did you do? What you must understand, I am a trained healer. As well as being a trained surgeon, I am also schooled in the ancient arts of sexual healings of T'thmarie. It's a holy art passed down from generation. Zombies being undead and inherently dark magic based do not take well to the light magics, so...basically I loved them to undeath. Amazing! A healer trained in the ways of the holy magics, astounding. Jeff has truly touched you. No, no...I don't think a Jeff has ever...no wait, oh I remember now. Good times. My lady, you should understand that is not what I mean. Maybe not you, but that's certainly closer to what I mean. Also, shouldn't you be watching over your newest conversion? Eh, if she dies I'll know by the loud explosions and blood curdling screams. Comic 13 *Ciere takes several wall jumps, and reaches the coin with ten seconds left* Yes! Only one more stage to go! *New stage opens up. Ready? Go! Several action scenes of Ciere running down hallways, avoiding explosions, etc. Finally, we see only one coin left, on an elevated platform with no obvious way to get to it and three seconds left on the clock. As well, there is a missile turret between her and the coin. Bishop shakes his head in the other room.* Ah, I had such hopes for her too. *Ciere runs towards the turret, which fires a missile at her. Ciere jumps at the missile, runs up it, leaps, and reaches the coin just as the clock runs out.* What the-HAX! Comic 14 *Ciere crawls forward, blackend and steaming slightly. She reaches the feet of Bishop and Meria and passes out.* n00b. Comic 15 *Tristain stands infront of a door, marked Perenia. He makes as if to knock, and walks away. He paces back and forth a few times, stares at the door, and takes a seat infront of it. The door opens slightly, and a head peeks out.* You know, they have a little thing these days called knocking. How did you... Silly Tristain, the whole castle is filled with cameras and alarms and warnings and crap. The moment you stepped infront of my door the monitor flipped over to you. You've been watching this whole time? Enough to get a few giggles. Why don't you come in? It's...ah, it's a little awkward, isn't it? It's far more awkward talking to a man who has taken occupency on the floor near the door to my bedroom. Yeah...alright, I'm coming. Promise no complaining about a broken vow? Do you promise not to run away like a little girl? I am so glad we understand each other. Comic 16 *feel free to interspace these comics with bits of flashbacks throughout, for instance when Tristain is talking about his past feel free to show it, or when the Kings are founding the galaxy feel free to show some goofy guy in a King's robe or something. As well, I am writing them all out as one comic, despite the fact that it will obviously be too long of a dialogue for just one comic.* You know, I've always been amazed how well you took it when I up and left. I know all we knew of our future for so long was that we were arranged from birth to be married, and that was our future...I sometimes think that might have been the way it should be. I know you Tristain, if you stayed you'd be bitching about not going. You have a serious "the grass is always greener" complex. True. I didn't want what my parents wanted, pure and simple. It was unseemly for a nobility to be a grease monkey, they said, and if I walk out then I may as well never come back. So I did, and I haven't. I think in the end, leaving was my best alternative. Sure, the coward's way out is always the easier. I prefer to think of myself as a bold visionary who saw the frailties of the aristocracy and set out on the less beaten path. You ran away. I did not! It's far more cowardly to live your live without change than it is to live your dream! *with sad look in her eyes* maybe you're right... Shit! I uh...look, I didn't mean... Hah, had you going, I win! That's two punches! I always hated this game... It's alright that you left, I'm sworn to the throne one way or another, and what happens will happen...though, the next prince to come of age that hasn't already been sworn away won't come for another four years...and between you and me the kid is a little dick. Everyone's giving up this feudal system in preference for united leagues of planets. Really, you have to these days, to keep from becoming obsolete. It's not like the early days, when the intergalactic commission declared all planets free reign, one person per planet...and those people who could terraform their own planet could do whatever they wanted, including calling themselves kings...you can only go so far outside the galactic ring before it becomes impossible to get supplies...no, the days of the kings have gone, the universe is collapsing into one giant collective organization, leaving this little side of the world that still believes in a monarch, and The Book of Jeff, to slowly rot and wither away. *Tristain's head rests on his chest, obviously asleep. I see some things have not changed since the academy. Comic 17 *scene shows a bar, sort of old west motif. Sami steps in, and all eyes go to her.* I'm sorry ma'am, you're going to have to leave your child outside. I've over 18 damnit, and last I checked that was good enough for this planet! ...then you're an outsider. Look, we just want a drink. We're here on a mission from your King himself. King does what he will, doesn't change how we do things here. We don't serve those who live in sin. Live in sin! You hear that Kirin, we're sinners now! Actually, I do believe our lifestyle is considered a sin in most of the more...close-minded religions. *At this, three patrons stand up* *with obviously exagerated expression* Oh dear, we're but two weak women all alone, against three strapping men! Whatever shall we do! *Rest of the bar stands up* Now that's more like it! Comic 18 Listen here, little girl. We won't tolerate blasphemy here. Listen here, I don't care what little man in the sky that grants your wishes you worship. All I know is, last I checked The Great Gadzoo doesn't exist, and I'm more likely to believe in a cartoon martian than this Jeff fellow this sector is all up in arms about. And the lord did say, "pwn teh n00bs. May they be judged on respawn." *Various patrons begin reaching for their weapons* Alright Kirin, remember. These are civilians, we can't kill them. Use your sword for defense only, and try to stick to paralyze spells and summons. Right, and if someone "accidently" hits the blade of my sword with their first and splits their arm wide open, hey their fault! You catch on quickly. Comic 19 *Sami starts off with a quick spreadshot, which quickly takes a few patrons down. Kirin begins to quickly chant off a spell but is attacked before she has a chance to finish. The blocks with the broad side of her sword, and high kicks him. Two guys jump at Sami at once. Sami lets loose a roundhouse, and they both fall back. Meanwhile, Kirin is punched directly in the face. The assailant begins delivering blows to the chest, and Kirin looks rather weak. At this point he begins to draw a knife with his free hand. Sami looks over and sees this, and a look of absolute anger crosses her face.* Comic 20 *Sami grabs at her metallic hand with her free hand, as the metallic hand transforms into a metal claw. Sami grabs the man by the shoulder with a metal hand and squeezes tight, and blood drips down his arm as he screams. She still remains silent. She then lifts him off the ground with one hand, and everyone else backs off.* You may hurt me as much as you want. Beat me, abuse me, these things will not bother me. You hurt my girlfriend, or my friends, and you have me to deal with, do you understand? *the man nods, and is dropped to the floor. He clutches his shoulder and slinks off. Sami throws Kirin over her shoulder with her normal arm and walks out. The patrons remain up against the walls. Comic 21 *Sami sits on the corner of the bed, Kirin is in bed and looking pretty bruised. Tristain walks in.* Damn it, what the fuck happened? I come in and you two look like you've already gone off and fought the mud people. What did you do to my arm? What the fuck are you talking about, woman? I haven't felt right since I got this thing...and it's doing things my old arm never did... Listen, despite what you and mini-lesbian have had to say about the arm I made for you, I only retrofitted it with the same abilities you had before, and I made it more light weight. THAT'S IT! I have not fucked with your brain or your arm in any way besides make it better! Now, if I'm going to fucking slave over a piece of machinery so advanced most engineers would take weeks to just understand the complexities of it, I would at LEAST like a fucking thank you. ...thank you. *huff* Sorry...I've just got things on my mind. I'll be in my room. Comic 22 *Cail sits alone in his chair. He seems contemplative, or maybe he's just really intent on the slinky in his hand, whatever. We take a backshot of him, and a monitor blinks on. Polarias comes on. Cail here. What can I do for you? ...I have a mission for you. I am sure, a hunter of your note can keep under cover. Am I correct, or have I underestimated the great Cail, the prodigy son of Sartana? Don't bring the old man into this...I can do it. What's the deal, and what's the pay? The pay will be good. I have assigned a bounty to a group of hunters who randomly wandered into our quadrent. One of them is a son of a noble, and as such I am honor-bound to help him when I can...but I am not sure if they can be trusted. I need you to watch over them, and if they fail to complete their mission, I want you to do it for them. Who are these rookies? I think you are rather familiar with them...the Latis crew. *a look of excitement crosses his face* Holy shit! I would have done this one for free! Comic 23 *holding a microphone to his mouth* Double! Taine! To the bridge, we have a mission! *Double and Taine come in, perfectly simulatneously.* Another mission already? We just FINISHED a high bounty mission. I thought we were heading to port for a weekend somewhere to blow the cash on large explosions and high proof alchohol. Ooooh no. This mission is far too sweet to pass up. Not only do we have a mission, sent from a fucking KING, who will of course reward us hansomely when we complete his mission...but our JOB is to spy on the Latis crew! I haven't been this excited since we upgraded the 02 with rail guns and fully functioning emotional packs! No shit! Let's do this! Whores and coctails can wait! *this shot of Cail is him with his back to the monitor, still in his chair but turned away towards the guys* Alright, let- *monitor blasts on, a very excited looking woman takes up the entire monitor she is so close* Did I hear that my little baby boy got a mission for a king?! A noble! I know this doesn't mean as much to you because you've grown up in a domocracy, but to me and your father this means soo much! Oh, my little darling baby! He's growing up to be such a straping young man! If I were there I would pinch your little cheeks until you didn't have cheeks anymore! Speaking of which, why haven't you visited us lately? I know y-- Moooooom! Not infront of the guys! Comic 24 Before we head out to Elkadea, we should assemble the troops. Oh, oh, let me! It's always so cool to watch. Alright, whatever, let's just do this. *Cail stands on a balcony. Below him is a giant hallway totally packed with robots.* Taine! Throw the switch! *Taine throws a lever somewhere. The entire floor below them crackles with electricity. The electricity disipates, and their eyes (or...whatever they have, I guess) spring open. Maybe a few smaller panels of their eyes opening or circuits turning on or whatever around one large screen of them looking up at Cail. ...that gets me every time. Prepare for orders! Operation 6794-0924-2885. Commencing briefing... Comic 25 I am glad you could meet with me tonight, miss Hargrave. The King apologizes for not being able to meet with you in person. I'm sure he has important business to attend to. Besides, I'd rather talk to someone else. Nobility is always so stuffy. Understandable. So, you know your mission? Head into Mud People territory, cause as much damage as possible, kill as many as possible, and leave. Right, but I don't get it, if you have a full army at your disposal, then why not send them in?\ Ah, well...the intergalactic counsel sees them as an intelligent race, and despite their terroristic tendencies...we have no proof of their actions. I see. Hire a bounty hunter under the table, avoid an international scene. Clever. And you guys will be our backup? Correct. There will be two squadrons in place, just in case. General Jackson will lead one team, and a newcomer will lead the other. If anything goes wrong, fall back immediately and we'll take over. Hopefully this will not have to happen. Right. So, who's this newcomer? Well, he was a Captain on another planet, and the last survivor. If I might be honest ma'am, he kind of creeps me out. I hear he once was a really nice guy, but now he kind of... He kind of what, soldier? Oh sweet Jeff! A million apologies sir, I would never speak poorly of a... Worry not. They sent filth to speak with filth. Good day to you.